For years I have told myself that on Monday I will start being healthy. That meant that the days leading up to Monday would be a complete binge fest eating everything I believed I would not be 'allowed' to once Monday arrived.
I would wake up feeling a mix of feelings from motivated and determined to overwhelmed, anxious and feeling like all joy was now gone from life. The narrative that would play over and over in my mind about whether I should eat something or not was exhausting and the guilt that followed was so damaging to my self worth. If I 'messed up' then of course the entire week was ruined and the binge would begin again because I had ruined the diet for that week anyway. It sounds crazy I know but I truly believed this was the case. I know of many people having similar experiences. This was one phase of an eating disorder that went through various stages. I believe that it was all due to Anxiety. The anxious feeling that was always there would at times be overwhelming and food was my medicine. In hindsight I feel that the Anxiety was due to sensitivity to energy but not knowing it at the time. I had felt this way since childhood. As a child I was very shy and suffered extreme separation anxiety when going to school for the first 2 years. The teachers would literally have to drag me off my mother and as a result I had alot of time off school throughout my entire school years simply because it was so difficult for me to be there.
I was constantly stressed and suffering, Anxiety then the Panic Attacks started and I felt like I was going to die. Thankfully they didn't last too long but this was the start of my healing journey, although I didn't realise it at the time. It generally takes something difficult to make changes and for me my change was Meditation. Through Meditation I was able to reduce the Anxiety and it calmed me and I began using it daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I was then led to Energy Healing through Reiki then Seichim and other modalities but Meditation and Reiki were the key for me in relaxation, reducing Anxiety and healing.
What I have come to realise 54 years down the track is that when someone says they have Anxiety there is generally more going on. They are probably a highly sensitive person who is feeling more than they can understand. They are likely feeling the emotions of those they are interacting with or they may be feeling energies in general that they cannot physically see. There can be other reasons of course and trauma is definitely one of them. These are the ones who eventually work in Healing, Counselling, Mediumship or other such modalities where they are able to use their empathy to support others. This happens when they embrace what has caused them so much grief throughout their lives and realise it is actually a gift.
So this is where I am at now. I don't suffer from Anxiety. I may feel anxious at times but when I turn inward and check in with myself I find that it is not mine to carry and I do some clearing and let it go. In most cases I have felt this from someone or somewhere else.
So...back to the food conversation. So much lack of self worth is tied up with this sensitivity or Anxiety because we may not be able to make sense of what is happening and we perceive it as feeling different or that we are a failure for feeling a certain way when others seem to be getting through life just fine. So begins the toxic cycle of eating to feel better but feeling worse from overeating and beating oneself up for eating the wrong type of foods and everything else that goes along with it. Self love is nowhere to be found at this point and there is a feeling of being trapped in this cycle. The reason for all of this rambling you ask? To let you know you are not alone if any of this resonates with your experience and to state here and now that as of today I feel released from the hold that food has had over me as I am accepting of myself in all ways, just as I am. I am not skinny, I don't want to be skinny. My aim is for healthy and I'm doing the best I can to eat well for my health. My aim is to live in balance and to enjoy food as it was intended - to nourish my body and to experience the pleasure of food. My aim is to continue to love and honour myself and to forgive myself as often as I need to and to spend more time becoming still and present through Meditation and connecting with the natural world. My wish is that we all forgive as often as we need to and to love and appreciate who we are in every moment.
Narelle x
Disclaimer: Please always seek medical advice when treating any medical conditions. Any suggestion to use Meditation and Energy Healing is intended to be used in conjunction with medical treatment.
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